Love hurts

 

Trusting someone,letting guard down, you let them love you 
And fall in love. 
The Honeymoon phase 
Ah!Everything seems so amazing. 
Everything forgotten. 
But alas!
It is not forever.
It is never lasts. 
Personalities, egos & thoughts, 
Venture into picture perfect life.
pushes love deep into the ditch.
Harder you try to love 
But deep down into the maze its lost.
Trying to refresh,
but it ain't a computer,
The end is close.
And its finally called off.
Everything ends.
It damages you, 
Damages you bad
You lose faith and trust.
Days pass by,
Up and ready once again to conquer the world,
Guard is up again,
Steady and Stronger more,
Better safe than regret.
Want love,
But No! Never letting this guard down again
Colder than ever and walls so high
Cannot be breached 
A changed person,
Gone is the lovable girl/boy
It will never be the same again.  

<3 Sai

		
Advertisements

Tough Times

Friends…..

The word has become a blank for me. Its supposed to be the best thing in life. Someone who you can share everything by your side. I find someone , someone I want to be with . Do all the fun things, sad things , naughty things, talk things I can’t talk everything with everyone. But they slip away. I am still trying desperately for that one person at least. its been so long since I hugged a friend or even fought a friend. I want all that. It might sound foolish but I want that. We can only fight with our best friend and then patch back like nothing happened.

I have had a couple of friends and I still do. But I have never had anyone whom I can call just mine. I look back in my life and its empty. I might have had amazing times with different friends, but it still looks empty and sad. I see photos or status on facebook or instagram or even whatsapp of people with their close friends. I get jealous. Is it wrong to get jealous about that? I just want that too. I want to hang out with my pals like nothing else matters. I want to be her/his only bitch.  I want to be the only one who knows everything (darkest creepiest secrets)about her/him. I want to be a part of all those creepy secrets. But I don’t see that happening any time soon or will it ever happen.

All this technology, for the first time I realized it is a curse. Nobody meets each other physically these days. If we are in touch via social media that is enough. Why doesn’t anyone understand it is not enough? Its frustrating. One of close good friend said ” Its okay even if don’t meet often as other people but we are as close and strong as the ones that meet.” I don’t agree with it but I could not tell it to her and just agreed. This is what is happening. I cant tell any of my friends what I really feel because I don’t want them to think I am some weirdo. I can’t even express anything with my own pals. How is that friendship? I don’t want to be that girl.

I want to be that girl who can express anything to her pal , whether it rough , mean or nice. I have not met so many of my friends for years or even spoken to them. How are they my close pals , I will never understand. I can understand everyone is busy with their lives. But are they seriously so busy to stop making memories. Or I  don’t mean anything to them. There are definitely couple of people I had to cut off because one day I realized I don’t mean anything to them. Now that I think about it , it actually good that at least they made it clear that they don’t give a damn about me. But the people in my life who do contact me once in a while. I fail to understand. Its good to contact but I am day dreaming that one day I will make memories with them. But I know for sure that I am never going to make them. They are far far far away and have new friends of their own.

I am definitely trying hard and desperately to make new friends. But I am failing in it miserably. I am not sure why. Its more difficult to do so in a new place. Even if I do find someone, for some reason they just take advantage of me and don’t care later. I am a human too. Have feelings. It hurts. And no one to express all this to even though I have friends. So many days go by. I cry hard almost every single day. But I can not share with anyone. Because I need to keep my face. Even if I do want to share, I just cannot now. It is really hard. I go around wearing a artificial happy mask wondering if someone will ever know me. I am trying really hard not to quit on people. Trying to find that friend. Since a kid alone and even now alone. Someday maybe I will reach my breaking point and quit on people. Seriously can’t recall a past or present I wasn’t in depression. But will try harder to be Happy and Fun , even if I am alone. And I always have my Happy Face mask. Its been my side kick for years, a lot of years. I never wanna look like a broken hearted girl to anyone. Am a bad person? Am I not a good friend? Am I not worth? Questions that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

P.S. Wish I found at least that one friend, don’t need many (many is also good) …..

 

Studying 

Have you ever wondered why everything else in the world gets interesting when you are trying to study? 

I have exams coming up. I know I need to start studying and I do want to. But for some reason I can’t understand,  even white walls become interesting. Sleeping becomes more lovable and dear to me. Movies , videos and music all wonderful at this time. But eventually there came a time when movies, videos and music get boring. But still unable to study. Don’t know why! 

Tension is building but still I’m unable to study. I just want to pass my time even if it’s just staring at my white wall. 

Busy Day

Starts from the previous night when I start planning the entire day. All set to face a day full of different tasks. Sleeping but the number of works keep piling up in my head. Just can’t sleep with thoughts repeating the works again and again in my head. As the night passes by and I am trying fall asleep so that I can wake up early to start my well planned day….. Oh crap!!!!! I’m late!! Why dint the alarm ring?! Ironically alarm always fails when required. Now I’m up and rushing for an appointment I might miss . Running, dressing, trying to not forget things I might miss in a hurry. Off I go taking things hoping I did not forget anything. 

Starts my day 

Traveling and doing all works one after another. Suddenly, there is addition of another job. Why why why? I wonder and curse. But have to get it done. The planner is out trying to squeeze in a time or replace a job with the new found job. The time seems slow sometimes and very fast at times. What’s up with this time? Why does it act like that? But the fact is time doesn’t go fast or slow. But , why does it seem like that? A question I’ll probably never get an answer for. Morning, afternoon, evening….. All gone by without allowing me to take a few minutes of peaceful breathe. I’m done . Exhausted. But the day hasn’t ended yet nor has my work. I continue with the jobs with lesser energy. Encouraging myself at every step. Finally the last job done. 

Dragging my feet I manage to reach my room. And sit down feeling happy that I can rest now. But the fate has something else planned. I’m not done yet.. As I sit I’m reminded of my works in the room and things i forgot to do in the day. Cursing more building energy. I wake up with sore feet. I prepare food. But even more exhausted by the end of it that there is not patience to eat. Gobbling the food. The bed seems like heaven. Thud! I fall on it ….. And I can’t recall the next day when I fell asleep but that was an amazing sleep. A sleep with no dreams or nightmares…… Zzzzzzzzz Sleep tight amigos
❤ Sai 

A Date

Sitting next to a friend on a winter evening , discussing the day’s college works with him. But she can feel the tingle in her stomach when he is next to her. A unnatural feeling but lovely, something that she never feels when she talks to her other friends. Ahh the tiny crush she had on him is growing. Wondering if he experiences the same. In her dreamland wandering way……its so beautiful. Suddenly was shaken by the strong sturdy voice.

‘ Would you like to go to dinner tomorrow night’ he said.

‘Ya, sure why not’ she replied trying to sound casual and not give away her little secret.

‘Superb! It’s a Date. I shall pick you up at 8.’ he said.

‘A date?’ she asked astounded but excited.

‘Don’t you want to go on a date with me?’ he asked.

A little shaken but jumping in her head she replied ‘ Ya sure. Would love to.’

And that’s when it started ringing in her head…

Crushes and crushes , how she waited for this day.
Terrified as hell but want it all.
The handsome, the charming, the friend,
Finally a date to fall in love.
Hasty to look the best,
But confused more.
Dresses and Dresses,
Why are they all imperfect?
A touch of glaze red lipstick iced on her lips,
Smokey eye shadow and blushed cheeks,
And a hint of the perfect shoes
All dressed up for the best day to fall upon
Naughty mirror flirting with the beautiful girl 
She couldn't be more perfect and lovely.
Waiting for the guy for the perfect evening.
The charming, the prince arrives,
Awed by the sparkle in his eyes.
Dinner is served.
Food is her love,
but she could not take her eyes of him that day.
Comfort as friend, handsome as crush,caring as love
He was all.
To walk by his side and the touch of his hand,
Sending her to a chilling shock.
The day comes to an end,
As sad as it may sound,the peck on the lips and the goodnight,
It was like sparkles and magic.
The most wonderful night of all.

This new year love and be loved. Experience the magic.

Adios my friends

❤ Sai

Insight on being ALONE

Here i was trying to figure out a new topic for the day. There are numerous topics running and yet nothing in particular. Can it really be that confusing? Well I guess it is…

Life alone.. Have you ever experienced this?

In a persons living period all of us are alone. Some realize it but some don’t. Just give yourself a moment and think about it. From the day your born till this very moment when you are reading this , have you never been alone? If no , then maybe that is peculiar or your just lucky. If yes , then probably you will relate your experiences to mine.

Maria Isabel Barreno quoted ” It is only alone, truly alone that one bursts apart, spring forth.”

Can you relate to it? I can. When I am alone I can feel different energies around me. There is sadness, anxiety, boredom, happiness, determination, anger, scared, random thoughts and the list can go on. All of these so difficult to suppress sometimes. Why does the mind wander away when one is alone?  I want to be alone but the same time I wish someone could be there to give me a hug and say everything will be ok. But it is during these lonely times I face my fears and strive hard to be strong. It does make me stronger and better.

People in our life are not permanent. They are all a passerby. One day there are with you and next day you cannot see them again. Where are they? You don’t know. Why would they leave? You don’t know. Then you start to question yourself if something is wrong with you or many more. So many unanswered questions yet you move on alone again.

Closings my eyes I can feel all the memories of my life swing by like multiple film tapes. I can see I am alone and I will continue to be alone. As depressing as that sounds, it is not really. In fact it’s a strength. If you are bold enough to conquer your mind , you will develop strength to do things you never would have done. Being alone is not a weakness, it’s a form to make you stand up for yourself. It makes you independent and eventually you will find happiness in it. A happiness and satisfaction you can never find when you are with someone.

Someone quoted ” The hardest walk is walking alone. But if you let it, it’s the walk that can make you the Strongest.”

Be alone one day , conquer your greatest fears and explore the deepest insights in your mind.

I wish all a adventurous upcoming new year.

See ya tomorrow with yet another new topic.

❤ Sai

New hobby

Like all the first timers, here I am attempting a new hobby (blogging). With a day to go by for the year 2015 to end , I have decided to start today. Might wonder why? Everybody starts a new hobby as a part of a new resolution for the new year. But I would like to think apart and start a day earlier. It is different and a good feeling surprisingly. Never been known for keeping my resolutions , so well maybe now I will.

Always dreaming of having my own blog but never felt I was good enough for it. Kept writing them for myself. In the year 2016 , I aim at conquering my deepest fears and moving ahead. This is my first step towards it, small but its a start.

In my upcoming blogs I would be writing my journey through the year in a new place (FYI, moved into a new country recently. So definitely lot of new experiences). Stayed tuned in for more…