The word has become a blank for me. Its supposed to be the best thing in life. Someone who you can share everything by your side. I find someone , someone I want to be with . Do all the fun things, sad things , naughty things, talk things I can’t talk everything with everyone. But they slip away. I am still trying desperately for that one person at least. its been so long since I hugged a friend or even fought a friend. I want all that. It might sound foolish but I want that. We can only fight with our best friend and then patch back like nothing happened.
I have had a couple of friends and I still do. But I have never had anyone whom I can call just mine. I look back in my life and its empty. I might have had amazing times with different friends, but it still looks empty and sad. I see photos or status on facebook or instagram or even whatsapp of people with their close friends. I get jealous. Is it wrong to get jealous about that? I just want that too. I want to hang out with my pals like nothing else matters. I want to be her/his only bitch. I want to be the only one who knows everything (darkest creepiest secrets)about her/him. I want to be a part of all those creepy secrets. But I don’t see that happening any time soon or will it ever happen.
All this technology, for the first time I realized it is a curse. Nobody meets each other physically these days. If we are in touch via social media that is enough. Why doesn’t anyone understand it is not enough? Its frustrating. One of close good friend said ” Its okay even if don’t meet often as other people but we are as close and strong as the ones that meet.” I don’t agree with it but I could not tell it to her and just agreed. This is what is happening. I cant tell any of my friends what I really feel because I don’t want them to think I am some weirdo. I can’t even express anything with my own pals. How is that friendship? I don’t want to be that girl.
I want to be that girl who can express anything to her pal , whether it rough , mean or nice. I have not met so many of my friends for years or even spoken to them. How are they my close pals , I will never understand. I can understand everyone is busy with their lives. But are they seriously so busy to stop making memories. Or I don’t mean anything to them. There are definitely couple of people I had to cut off because one day I realized I don’t mean anything to them. Now that I think about it , it actually good that at least they made it clear that they don’t give a damn about me. But the people in my life who do contact me once in a while. I fail to understand. Its good to contact but I am day dreaming that one day I will make memories with them. But I know for sure that I am never going to make them. They are far far far away and have new friends of their own.
I am definitely trying hard and desperately to make new friends. But I am failing in it miserably. I am not sure why. Its more difficult to do so in a new place. Even if I do find someone, for some reason they just take advantage of me and don’t care later. I am a human too. Have feelings. It hurts. And no one to express all this to even though I have friends. So many days go by. I cry hard almost every single day. But I can not share with anyone. Because I need to keep my face. Even if I do want to share, I just cannot now. It is really hard. I go around wearing a artificial happy mask wondering if someone will ever know me. I am trying really hard not to quit on people. Trying to find that friend. Since a kid alone and even now alone. Someday maybe I will reach my breaking point and quit on people. Seriously can’t recall a past or present I wasn’t in depression. But will try harder to be Happy and Fun , even if I am alone. And I always have my Happy Face mask. Its been my side kick for years, a lot of years. I never wanna look like a broken hearted girl to anyone. Am a bad person? Am I not a good friend? Am I not worth? Questions that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
P.S. Wish I found at least that one friend, don’t need many (many is also good) …..